It seemed like forever...

When you are a child, you're taught to dream and wish and wonder. And you do...."What do I want to be when I grow up?" And as you grow, "I wonder what my life will be like?" Then you grow up and all those daydreams and wishes are forgotten. Some of us are lucky, we persue what it is we thought and wanted in our innocence. I myself had forgotten...for a long time; too long. And then something happens or changes to bring you back to those simpler times, when the best part of your day was to just be with yourself...taking a walk or lying on the grass and looking up at the sky. Remembering the day and taking it all in. Reflecting on what is truly important.
When that something you realized was missing; you always racked your little brain to find what that was and make sure you remembered. I had forgotten how much love should be a part of everyone's life. Life begins with love, continues with love, and ends with love. A never ending circle of hope designed to make you the person you're supposed to be. And some of the lucky ones happen to find a person who understands this and desires nothing more than to realize this with you. We may happen to take a shortcut or the long way around but at the end, you should have someone in front of you that brings the best part of you into the light. The child who wondered and dreamed and wished.
I have felt a lot of emotions over the past couple of years. Emotions I think we're warranted to make me remember this one fact. Everyone is deserving of someone who truly understands you. Someone to dream about the next moment, minute, day with. Someone who with one look feels the same way and does not have to use words for you to understand. Someone who makes the world seem beautiful and unpredictable; and yet makes you feel completely safe in being who you are.
It's been along time since I trusted my faith in all things reason. I've always said everything happens for a reason. And I've always stood by that mantra. But it's funny, when something happens in your life to open your eyes to the possibilities of all things dreampt and wished for, that one simple statement can turn into the bigger picture. My dreams, which once seemed petty and discarded, have breath and life. My wishes are no longer just that, they're desires to be realize with someone I love. I'm thankful for the day that with one simple look, my life decided to begin and I am able to dream, wish, and wonder once again.

traveling...

sedentary happiness is a cop out
must I have to do everything myself
no, but stars don't just fall down from the sky
they begin where everything begins
at the bottom of the stairs
step by step
1...2...3...4...5..6...7..11
why don't I see what I need to see
driving off a no where, no how, one way
but there's always 3 choices to choose from
which way did you go?
turn around....

Teeth chattering....

As I sit here in my room, freezing though I'm under the covers tucked in...I wonder how I'm feeling. It's been an interesting few days...full of old friends and new alike; changes wonderous and fair, and quiet. Peace and quiet... a wise man told me I needed to find the quiet within myself. He was right. I thought I would need him to help me...and when it came down to it, I just thought of him and the last conversation we had and it was like a light was turned on in my head. I can see and feel and control my own peace. I'm in charge of my own Jedi mind tricks.
Jesus (aka Ryan) made me see what Grey is. When friendship is exactly what you put forth. And when to realize that it's ok to ask for a little happiness now and then. It was a fantastic night. I'm ready for what tomorrow will bring.

A song that came at the right time...

Beautiful Day by U2

The heart is a bloom Shoots up through the stony ground There's no room No space to rent in this town You're out of luck And the reason that you had to care The traffic is stuck And you're not moving anywhere You thought you'd found a friend To take you out of this place Someone you could lend a hand In return for grace It's a beautiful day Sky falls, you feel like It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away You're on the road But you've got no destination You're in the mud In the maze of her imagination You love this town Even if that doesn't ring true You've been all over And it's been all over you It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away It's a beautiful day Touch me Take me to that other place Teach me I know I'm not a hopeless case See the world in green and blue See China right in front of you See the canyons broken by cloud See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out See the Bedouin fires at night See the oil fields at first light And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth After the flood all the colors came out It was a beautiful day Don't let it get away Beautiful day Touch me Take me to that other place Reach me I know I'm not a hopeless case What you don't have you don't need it now What you don't know you can feel it somehow What you don't have you don't need it now Don't need it now Was a beautiful day

Just a simple poem...

Don't wake me if I'm dreaming...I see the black hole sun setting in the sky and thousands of starfish coming out to play. Your eyes dance at me as they stare with such uncomplicated candor. Your lips always pulled back in a sinister grin. I want your kisses to always feel as if Cupid hit me straight between the eyes. The strength of your touch quiets me in ways saved for death. A change has come to help me find my way. Sing me a song of neverending sadness and make it feel like a trip to Disney World. Come with me, away from the world to a place where we can walk and talk and play and dance. Sit with me by the ocean blue and tell me that you can't wait for days gone by and happenstance. Tell me that tomorrow is the yesterday of today. Take me out for ice cream and smile when I get brain freeze. Lay with me in the grass and talk to the clouds. They're listening to hear our wandering hearts. Save the next dance for me.

Rainy day...

As I lay looking out the window and the rain hitting the panes of glass, my mind starts to race. Rain should mean rebirth, the feeling of making everything new by washing away all of the negativity and sadness. Making you feel as though you've just woken up. Not today, today the rain clouds my head. It makes me want to pull the covers over my head and stay there until I feel I can face the world again.
Don't you remember how safe you felt as a child? Hiding under the covers...away from the chores, or your parents, or the boogeyman. You were safe and secure and warm there. It was your safe place. It was simple. Then as an adult, you forget about your safe place. You forget to use your imagination, you forget what it's like to just love without question, you forget to take the time to just give a hug. I want time to stop still so I can remember. So I can remember the innocense, capture it, and bring it back to me. So I have the desire to get up tomorrow and start all over again.

Sometime around midnight...

She opens up her eyes; a half drunk glass of wine is in front of her. A clove still burning in a Deadbear ashtray. Her emerald eyes stir with the sound of running water in the background. As her head lifts up, her eyes focus on the gentleman sitting in the corner. "How long have I been out", she says to herself. As she picks up the cigarette to take a drag, a hand comes from behind her to grab it from her. With one flash, she's blinded by the smoke that's exhaled. "Who are you?" The voice tells her," Your imagination". "My what?" she thinks to herself. "Am I dreaming? No, if I was dreaming I'd probably be either naked or at least have better hair..." She gets up to meet her figure, still not being able to see a face. As she lights another cigarette, she realizes the figure in front of her has asked the gentleman in the corner whether or not we should tell her. "Tell me what?" Now with her head equally spinning from her drag of clove, or the wine still sitting in her glass, she feels the tension. "What exactly is going on here?" As she feels both figures on her she gets nervous and knows the only way to get out of this is to ask the question, "What time is it?" But the answer is already known even before asking. It's sometime around midnight...and will soon be too late...

Backwards

On any given day, I wish I could take my life and live it by walking backwards. Everything that comes flooding at me on a daily basis would have to just stay right where it is, I could completely assess them all because I would have the time walking away from but still concentrating. I would see the answer before the question. I could catch myself before I trip over myself. I can walk away from someone before they walk away from me.
If we all looked at something from the other side than what we're used to, wouldn't that be essentially doing it backwards?
My constant meandering consists of thoughts such as these, but today for some reason are getting so lost. I feel lost and unsure of anything I'm feeling. I feel like the rug I'm standing on is going to get sawed from underneath like in the cartoons and I'm just going to be left to fall into an abyss of misguided decisions and promises never kept. I'm tired of everything being put on my shoulders and not being able to live the way I want to live. I feel as though my body and mind are disattached from each other. I feel bound; my hands, feet, mouth, by metallic silver duct tape so that I feel completely helpless. And I'm not sure if the fear is being kept feeling this way; or by the sting, once I've decided the tape needs to be ripped off. Pain is just how you perceive it, so I say...rip off piece by piece, in fact I say rip it off slowly so I can feel each piece make it's mark. I will embrace my perception and become stronger to the fact that being on the outside looking in is a great way live backwards.

Perfect timing....

I've discovered Pandora recently. You know the online radio station where you create the station. I'm absolutely convinced that it can read minds...well at least read mine. When I'm feeling New agey...the Enigma station. When I'm feeling angsty...Into the Void station. As I'm writing this blog, I'm listening to the Enigma station...but up comes Duran Duran, Come Undone. This is a great song and a interesting question; Who do I need when I come undone? The only person I love when I come undone is myself, because I feel me. All of me, just being alive and able to feel again. I will never once lose any feeling I have ever again. No one will ever tell me I should feel a certain way or that it's not right to feel the way I do. I have this amazing ability to grasp and understand feeling; I had thought I had lost. What I realized is that I never lost anything...I just forgot. I forgot to trust myself. I forgot to love myself. I forgot to even like myself. I didn't have to force myself to remember...I just had to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. I had to flip open the shades. I had to forgive.

I forgive you...I forgive you for holding me back. I forgive you for making me feel I don't deserve to be happy. I forgive you for not letting me dance and sing. I forgive you....

But never again. Never again will I sleepwalk through my life. I will run full force into the fire and feel every bit of the burn. And what a lovely way to feel....on fire.

Feelings of numbness...

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel...yeah, that's more like it. I have started over...so to speak and I'm at the begining. But where do I begin? My dreams are more replays of the past. My future is an open book. I want to start writing stories..happy, sad, angry, passionate....but I need an opening line. I sit and wonder about life, and love and I don't know what any of it should feel like anymore. I'm lost...quasi numb to everything that is around me. I have so much to say and nothing to say at all. I let my eyes speak...but they can't be seen while hidden under a veil of fear. What is it that makes me fear living? Why can't I just concentrate on what is important, what I should hold high in esteem and let no one put assunder. My spirit feels tarnished and false to what is truly underneath. I don't want to be saved; but how do I start saving myself?

Random expounding....

I’m one of those truly dumbfounded things that exist…the intelligent blonde. I’m that diamond in the rough that can be the guy’s girl; beer in hand, chanting the fight song of your favorite college team right along next to you while polishing off that last buffalo wing. I can also be the girlie girl; martini in hand, looking hot in a pair of candy apple
Red stilettos, ready to dance the night away and gossip about that hot guy sitting at the corner of the bar. I’m everyone’s friend, the one who makes you laugh, dries your tears, and says “kill the bastard or bitch” when you need to hear it. Then why if I’m all these things, do I feel as though I am an imposter. I’m a bit neurotic. My brain works overtime all the time, I can never relax, and I have this bad habit of constantly asking “What’s the matter?” I can tell you what’s the matter…I need to grow a backbone. My whole life I’ve been what every one else expects me to be. Miss Congeniality, Miss Yes, Mom, yes Dad, Miss Yes even though I don’t want to, Miss Please step all over me because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. When I really want to be Miss Fuck Off please, or Miss NO!!!! But yet I couldn’t probably be those either, I like people too much to be Miss either one. So I’m stuck not knowing who I’m supposed to be; to be for me.
I want to be into Yoga. I want to go to Dali exhibits at art galleries. I want to go to a Major league baseball game, either Yankees or the freaking Sox…Fenway is a nicer stadium, but I digress. I want to go to Vermont and learn how to snowboard again, the first time doesn’t count. I want to own a piece of protected land so that the world can’t build one more strip mall they can’t fill. I want to go on a carriage ride through Central Park with someone who cares about me. I want to stand in front of the window of Tiffany’s and feel like Holly Golightly. I want one good piece of jewelry that I pay for myself and costs more than hundred dollars. I want my friends who have never seen me on stage, see me perform. I want to make my Mom and Dad proud of me. I want my grandmother to know posthumously that she really was my idol. I want to feel that first kiss feeling every time I’m kissed. I want to be in a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling as opposed to diseased and draining. I want to see my name up in lights, once. I want to be forgiven from anyone whom I ever hurt. I want a massage. I want my long blonde curls that I used to have as a kid. I want to feel healthy and have unbound energy everyday of my life. I want to meet John Mayer and tell him that Continuum is my life soundtrack right now. I want my own place, with one great big comfy chair, a bookcase for all my books, and an old fashioned bathtub for bubble baths. I want someone who loves me for me, who doesn’t question my loyalty, who doesn’t feel the need to compete with me, who makes me laugh and whom I make laugh, who likes to go for drives to nowhere just to get a cup of coffee, who thinks that they’ve never met anyone quite like me, and who wants to hold my hand. I want to choreograph a Tony winning dance ensemble. I want to go deep sea fishing with my dad once ever summer before he is unable to go anymore. I want my sister to know that I think she’s wonderful. I want my brother to know that I’m here for him if he needs me. I want a coconut carrot cupcake with cream cheese frosting just because.
Then there are things I need:
I need to hear my mother’s laugh at least once a week. I need to watch Grey’s Anatomy on Thursdays or my week doesn’t feel complete. I need to be able to get the chance to dance everyday for the rest of my life. I need my Ipod. I need my Onyx, she’s my protector. I need to be hugged…a lot. I need a good cup of tea or coffee every night. I need to hear my name said by a close friend. I need a good laugh every day. I need water or I start to get loopy in the afternoon. I need my jeans; I’d feel unsexy without them. I need to be able to be me, the one I have found again. The me that cares for people, makes people happy, but in the process makes herself happy.

I'm becoming a caffeine addict...

It seems most things come to me while sitting in a Starbucks. How should I say that line? What fixture should I use in that warehouse? Does he feel the same way I do; like butterflies and bumblebees? But truly I love to watch the people, go in and out; with their lattes and cappuccinos. Having business meetings, having a good laugh, and loving the caffeine buzz that is festering underneath there day to day personas. I wait for that time a day I get to have my latte and have people wonder about me. I wonder what she does? Is she a famous author writing her memoirs? Maybe, an attorney waiting for her case to go to trial. How about just a struggling actress/professional whom would like her life to fully begin now. Yeah, I think I'm going to stick with that one.

Indifference

How much difference does it make? If I feel bad, if I feel sad. If I feel so angry that the sides of my face start to bubble like hot lava...how much difference does it make. I'm not going to change the way I feel. The same outcome is going to come to be...so why don't I get to be content with the decision I have made. Why do I need to censor myself or my feelings? Why can't I just be...because if I don't get to be...you'll see the painful, twisted up, contortionistic fascist that my heart and brain feel it really is.

Random thoughts by yours truly....

It's funny how my Ipod can help me through some tough times or invoke a certain feeling just by shuffling my song choices. Point: I'm listening to "Human" from Human League. A pretty solid 80's song. But automatically I start thinking of a dance I once chroreographed in my head for no particular reason. Listening to "Love me Dead" by Ludo...House commercial. "I'm Alright" by Kenny Loggins; well beside the obvious Caddyshack theme, I think of a particular person who to this day can make me smile. Not to sound like a broken record...a broken record...get it...I digress; but music is one of the most powerfully moving entities that exist in this world.

Loves...

You don't truly notice something you loved is missing from your life until you get it back. I love being on stage. I love being part of a prodution. I love to make people smile and entertain them. That is what I believe I was put on this earth for. Not to sit in the corner and acknowledge someone coming through the door by nodding my head. By getting up and grabbing their full attention. That's what makes me...well me. It's amazing when you finally get that slap in the face; how awake and clearly you can see what you have been missing. I promise to never let that happen again. Life is what you make of it...YOU!!! Not anyone else. You are responsible for your destinies and fates. You are also responsible for anguishs and defeats. You are the guide that takes you; the traveler, on the journey you want to lead. Lead on I say...lead on.

Strength comes in phases...

You know when you wake up first thing in the morning and you have the weak feeling in your hands and feet; you feel someone can blow on you and make you fall over. Well coming to the right decision on something in your life that has made you feel that way everyday is empowering. You feel as though you can run a marathon, climb mountains, fly....it makes you feel completely in control and strong. But as all triumphs, there comes the falls to. As long as you remember what the success feels like, you will never be put to sleep again. Remember the following words:

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

May everyone have a blessed day with happiness and strength to do what you think you could not do.

Where does my heart go now...

What happens when your brain and your heart end up in the same place? After so long of living a way that may not of been your ideal, do you know what it feels like to make that change? Like all the air is being sucked out of your body. Like your stomach just got speared by a professional wrestler. Like at any moment your body will crumble under the weight of the stress you've been enduring. But also... like you can see clearly for the first time in a very long time. You come into seeing things in a much purer and natural way. You remember what you were like. You.....you, wonderful you...that you missed so much.

The absolutely serene view from my window...

As I sit here in my hotel room in Newport, I have the most wonderful view. The water and the glistening lights from the many boats in the harbor. The street lights and the lights from the bridge. I just love the water...the stillness and quiet that becomes the water. How I envy the way it just...just waves along, sparkly and wonderful. And how small I feel within it's vastness. I hope to someday look out my window and see this beautiful sight every day.

Afraid to breathe...

Did you ever feel so lost, that all the air gets choked out of your body? I feel somewhere in between wishing for something better to happen or kicking myself in the ass for knowing that the only way for something better to happen is to do it your gosh dam self.
I know what I would like in the short term; to lose some weight, work out a bit more, read more, go back to school, start a business. But what about the long term. The what ifs, and what could be's. That's the rub...where do you begin if you don't know where you want to go?

Saturday mornings....

What is about getting up on a Saturday morning that gives me an instant feeling of calm. The day is open to new possibilites without being rushed to send that email or return that phone call. Breathing in and out the wonderousness of french toast and a great cup of coffee. Full of "I wonder what's going to happen today" excitement I remember as a child.
For me it's just popping in a little John Mayer, taking a steaming hot shower and getting ready for the day, a pair of comfy jeans and sweater, New Balance sneakers (have to be New Balance...for those of you who are interested...I'm a convert from my oldie but goodie Nikes). But through all this just a sense of no rushing, no arguing, just calm and contentment. I couldn't ask for anything more on a Saturday morning or in my busy, bubbly brain.

Starbucks Nation

It's a Friday morning and I'm taking a break from the efficient job building I should be doing to give you a little digression.
Starbucks...god knows I love a good cup of strong coffee like the next caffeine lover, but how many choices does one person need? I myself am enjoying one of their new skinny lattes...for us beautifully curvy women who like to stay that way, but I see person after person come in..."I'll have a double soy sugar-free hazelnut latte", "Make that a Venti Non-fat Cinnamon Dolce & Gabbana Cappuccino, thanks."
People are we forcing ourselves to be in the box that badly. Branch out, simplify it. I'll have a cup of coffee, no foam or froth or sugar free syrups of some foreign origin. Do I think of myself as a person who needs a skinny latte? Well no, but some of the frou frou coffees they serve have their purpose in the yumminess quotient. I just think if people thought just as much as what they want to accomplish in this short trip we call life as they do deciding what they want to drink, maybe the world wouldn't be as cold and cynical as it seems some times.
What do you think?

Contact Blurriness

What is it like to see with completely clear eyes? Would you see into a person's soul? Can you make them feel what you feel by just by looking at them? I've had many people in my time look at me...through me...into me, but none so much as to really know me. Life sometimes feels as though it's a pair of blurry contact lenses. You need to adjust, rub, and manipulate to be able to see clearer. Just as life needs to be adjusted and manipulated for you to be seen clearer in it. Don't I wish I had 20/20 vision? But no...not really, I like being out of focus occassionally, it makes things more interesting.