Random expounding....

I’m one of those truly dumbfounded things that exist…the intelligent blonde. I’m that diamond in the rough that can be the guy’s girl; beer in hand, chanting the fight song of your favorite college team right along next to you while polishing off that last buffalo wing. I can also be the girlie girl; martini in hand, looking hot in a pair of candy apple
Red stilettos, ready to dance the night away and gossip about that hot guy sitting at the corner of the bar. I’m everyone’s friend, the one who makes you laugh, dries your tears, and says “kill the bastard or bitch” when you need to hear it. Then why if I’m all these things, do I feel as though I am an imposter. I’m a bit neurotic. My brain works overtime all the time, I can never relax, and I have this bad habit of constantly asking “What’s the matter?” I can tell you what’s the matter…I need to grow a backbone. My whole life I’ve been what every one else expects me to be. Miss Congeniality, Miss Yes, Mom, yes Dad, Miss Yes even though I don’t want to, Miss Please step all over me because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. When I really want to be Miss Fuck Off please, or Miss NO!!!! But yet I couldn’t probably be those either, I like people too much to be Miss either one. So I’m stuck not knowing who I’m supposed to be; to be for me.
I want to be into Yoga. I want to go to Dali exhibits at art galleries. I want to go to a Major league baseball game, either Yankees or the freaking Sox…Fenway is a nicer stadium, but I digress. I want to go to Vermont and learn how to snowboard again, the first time doesn’t count. I want to own a piece of protected land so that the world can’t build one more strip mall they can’t fill. I want to go on a carriage ride through Central Park with someone who cares about me. I want to stand in front of the window of Tiffany’s and feel like Holly Golightly. I want one good piece of jewelry that I pay for myself and costs more than hundred dollars. I want my friends who have never seen me on stage, see me perform. I want to make my Mom and Dad proud of me. I want my grandmother to know posthumously that she really was my idol. I want to feel that first kiss feeling every time I’m kissed. I want to be in a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling as opposed to diseased and draining. I want to see my name up in lights, once. I want to be forgiven from anyone whom I ever hurt. I want a massage. I want my long blonde curls that I used to have as a kid. I want to feel healthy and have unbound energy everyday of my life. I want to meet John Mayer and tell him that Continuum is my life soundtrack right now. I want my own place, with one great big comfy chair, a bookcase for all my books, and an old fashioned bathtub for bubble baths. I want someone who loves me for me, who doesn’t question my loyalty, who doesn’t feel the need to compete with me, who makes me laugh and whom I make laugh, who likes to go for drives to nowhere just to get a cup of coffee, who thinks that they’ve never met anyone quite like me, and who wants to hold my hand. I want to choreograph a Tony winning dance ensemble. I want to go deep sea fishing with my dad once ever summer before he is unable to go anymore. I want my sister to know that I think she’s wonderful. I want my brother to know that I’m here for him if he needs me. I want a coconut carrot cupcake with cream cheese frosting just because.
Then there are things I need:
I need to hear my mother’s laugh at least once a week. I need to watch Grey’s Anatomy on Thursdays or my week doesn’t feel complete. I need to be able to get the chance to dance everyday for the rest of my life. I need my Ipod. I need my Onyx, she’s my protector. I need to be hugged…a lot. I need a good cup of tea or coffee every night. I need to hear my name said by a close friend. I need a good laugh every day. I need water or I start to get loopy in the afternoon. I need my jeans; I’d feel unsexy without them. I need to be able to be me, the one I have found again. The me that cares for people, makes people happy, but in the process makes herself happy.

I'm becoming a caffeine addict...

It seems most things come to me while sitting in a Starbucks. How should I say that line? What fixture should I use in that warehouse? Does he feel the same way I do; like butterflies and bumblebees? But truly I love to watch the people, go in and out; with their lattes and cappuccinos. Having business meetings, having a good laugh, and loving the caffeine buzz that is festering underneath there day to day personas. I wait for that time a day I get to have my latte and have people wonder about me. I wonder what she does? Is she a famous author writing her memoirs? Maybe, an attorney waiting for her case to go to trial. How about just a struggling actress/professional whom would like her life to fully begin now. Yeah, I think I'm going to stick with that one.

Indifference

How much difference does it make? If I feel bad, if I feel sad. If I feel so angry that the sides of my face start to bubble like hot lava...how much difference does it make. I'm not going to change the way I feel. The same outcome is going to come to be...so why don't I get to be content with the decision I have made. Why do I need to censor myself or my feelings? Why can't I just be...because if I don't get to be...you'll see the painful, twisted up, contortionistic fascist that my heart and brain feel it really is.

Random thoughts by yours truly....

It's funny how my Ipod can help me through some tough times or invoke a certain feeling just by shuffling my song choices. Point: I'm listening to "Human" from Human League. A pretty solid 80's song. But automatically I start thinking of a dance I once chroreographed in my head for no particular reason. Listening to "Love me Dead" by Ludo...House commercial. "I'm Alright" by Kenny Loggins; well beside the obvious Caddyshack theme, I think of a particular person who to this day can make me smile. Not to sound like a broken record...a broken record...get it...I digress; but music is one of the most powerfully moving entities that exist in this world.

Loves...

You don't truly notice something you loved is missing from your life until you get it back. I love being on stage. I love being part of a prodution. I love to make people smile and entertain them. That is what I believe I was put on this earth for. Not to sit in the corner and acknowledge someone coming through the door by nodding my head. By getting up and grabbing their full attention. That's what makes me...well me. It's amazing when you finally get that slap in the face; how awake and clearly you can see what you have been missing. I promise to never let that happen again. Life is what you make of it...YOU!!! Not anyone else. You are responsible for your destinies and fates. You are also responsible for anguishs and defeats. You are the guide that takes you; the traveler, on the journey you want to lead. Lead on I say...lead on.