“There is a woman at the beginning of all great things.”

That quote from Alphonse de Lamartine has popped into my head more this week, than I can count. I've been sort of in a creative funk. I love to write, I used to do it all the time, then life got in the way, and I stopped. But living life should help me with ideas, and thoughts to write about. So I've been filling this one particular notebook full of every idea that pops in my head. No matter how crazy or carefree or oddball. I want to see if I can be the woman at the beginning of a lot of great things. As I garner more and more ideas, some I may spring up here. Some in another media. But I'm glad I found some muses in all aspects and a little bit every day gets you to a goal. So let's get started, shall we?

As a tear rolls down my cheek...

I'm so tired. I don't know if it's age, or stress, or what have you...but I'm tired. And I'm tired of letting old feelings control what I feel today. At this moment, at this very moment. I fear...not the rest of my life. Not how strongly I love, but I fear. I fear that the things that consumed me in the past will some how interfere with my happiness now. It chokes me, it makes me feel sick, and it exhausts me sometimes. I don't want to fear anymore. But I'm not sure on how to get it to release me...

Fat & Happy...two words which shouldn't go together.

As most of you know who read my blog, I was divorced. In getting divorced, you go through a lot of stress. When going through that stress, you tend to lose weight. And when you had gained a few pounds that you could stand to lose, this is a fantastic plus to a not so fantastic situation.
In the process, I met the man of my dreams. Caring and compassionate, lovely in every sense of the word. Supporting and super sexy. And myself, feeling extra confident with my new found weight loss was excited to see the direction our relationship would take. We'd go out to dinner. We'd stay in, watch movies, and eat Ben & Jerry's from the pint with reckless abandon. So a few pounds crept back on...so what. I wouldn't let it become a habit. Romantic dinners with bottles of wine, cupcakes (my favorite) as treats while out and about browsing the street of NoHo. So my hips look a little wider...not a big deal. Yeah, that's what I kept telling myself.
Happy, I was and am still extremely. Fat, well I won't go that far, but a little more curvy than I was a few months back sure. I just wish we could change the sterotype. How about Fit and Happy? Hot and Happy? I'm not completely convinced that Buddha, was a smiling, happy little fat man. I think those were tears of frustration, from not being able to get up from his meditating position. I vow to become Fit and Happy, standing beside the Love of my Life (who is a huge inspiration) and becoming healthier and happier together. Keep you posted...

So I've been MIA....

Sorry for the delay of my writing. It's been quite a few months. It was a new year. I moved out on my own. I starting to do a lot of inner reflection. And what have I come up with? Well many things...but the most substantial of all is... I really enjoy living. I enjoy my life. I'm happy with me. And that has been quite the epiphany. There's really not any reason to NOT enjoy life. It's beautiful and messy and ever changing. It makes you sit dumbfounded. It also makes you shake your head in awe at how wonderfully spectacular it is.

Just today I was walking my dog and listening to the beautiful song of all the birds. The robins, and sparrows, and mockingbirds. It's simple and sweet songs just made me smile. Something so simple as a songbirds song. Beautiful...

A New year...

It's January 1, 2009. I am writing today feeling like this is the year I will be reborn. A new year...a fresh start...a completely blank slate. This is the year for change I had always wanted when celebrating New Years'. My divorce will become final. This is something that had been on my mind for a long time until I decided to do something about it; and seemed as though I would be forever standing still while anything and everything would pass me by. You might ask me if I'm sad...and no, actually I've very much happy in my decision. It's not that I didn't want to be married or start a family. I just knew in my heart that this was not the person for me. And that took a long time to realize...I just hope that this person realizes this was the best thing for us both.
Towards the end of 2008, I found someone. Someone who I had known, someone who surprised me, and someone who I will share the things I know that I want to accomplish and grow into. This person is everything I could ask for. Understanding, and loving , and compassionate, and beautiful inside and out. This person makes me want to strive for greatness, not only for them but for me. They are my biggest support and I am their biggest fan. It's amazing to me that you can search so long for everything you want in a partner, but when you decide that it's ok to be alone; they find you. Strike that...you find each other. I'd always believed that there could be one person out there to understand you, to believe in you, to see you how you see yourself; but until you find that person, that with one look into their eyes you see all things are possible...you will not understand what I mean. I don't care if people think I'm crazy but I without question have found my equal to be able to hold hands with and walk into the sunset. And all it took was for me to realize that, was the epiphany that I didn't need to be loved for the rest of my life. And without missing a beat, love came and found me.
So it's a new year. Full of new beginings, new endings, new goals, new dreams, and new wishes. I will promise myself to embrace all things this year, the good and the bad, the known and the unknown. I cannot wait for the year to unfold and take things day by day. This truly is the first year of the rest of my life.

It seemed like forever...

When you are a child, you're taught to dream and wish and wonder. And you do...."What do I want to be when I grow up?" And as you grow, "I wonder what my life will be like?" Then you grow up and all those daydreams and wishes are forgotten. Some of us are lucky, we persue what it is we thought and wanted in our innocence. I myself had forgotten...for a long time; too long. And then something happens or changes to bring you back to those simpler times, when the best part of your day was to just be with yourself...taking a walk or lying on the grass and looking up at the sky. Remembering the day and taking it all in. Reflecting on what is truly important.
When that something you realized was missing; you always racked your little brain to find what that was and make sure you remembered. I had forgotten how much love should be a part of everyone's life. Life begins with love, continues with love, and ends with love. A never ending circle of hope designed to make you the person you're supposed to be. And some of the lucky ones happen to find a person who understands this and desires nothing more than to realize this with you. We may happen to take a shortcut or the long way around but at the end, you should have someone in front of you that brings the best part of you into the light. The child who wondered and dreamed and wished.
I have felt a lot of emotions over the past couple of years. Emotions I think we're warranted to make me remember this one fact. Everyone is deserving of someone who truly understands you. Someone to dream about the next moment, minute, day with. Someone who with one look feels the same way and does not have to use words for you to understand. Someone who makes the world seem beautiful and unpredictable; and yet makes you feel completely safe in being who you are.
It's been along time since I trusted my faith in all things reason. I've always said everything happens for a reason. And I've always stood by that mantra. But it's funny, when something happens in your life to open your eyes to the possibilities of all things dreampt and wished for, that one simple statement can turn into the bigger picture. My dreams, which once seemed petty and discarded, have breath and life. My wishes are no longer just that, they're desires to be realize with someone I love. I'm thankful for the day that with one simple look, my life decided to begin and I am able to dream, wish, and wonder once again.

traveling...

sedentary happiness is a cop out
must I have to do everything myself
no, but stars don't just fall down from the sky
they begin where everything begins
at the bottom of the stairs
step by step
1...2...3...4...5..6...7..11
why don't I see what I need to see
driving off a no where, no how, one way
but there's always 3 choices to choose from
which way did you go?
turn around....