As a tear rolls down my cheek...

I'm so tired. I don't know if it's age, or stress, or what have you...but I'm tired. And I'm tired of letting old feelings control what I feel today. At this moment, at this very moment. I fear...not the rest of my life. Not how strongly I love, but I fear. I fear that the things that consumed me in the past will some how interfere with my happiness now. It chokes me, it makes me feel sick, and it exhausts me sometimes. I don't want to fear anymore. But I'm not sure on how to get it to release me...

Fat & Happy...two words which shouldn't go together.

As most of you know who read my blog, I was divorced. In getting divorced, you go through a lot of stress. When going through that stress, you tend to lose weight. And when you had gained a few pounds that you could stand to lose, this is a fantastic plus to a not so fantastic situation.
In the process, I met the man of my dreams. Caring and compassionate, lovely in every sense of the word. Supporting and super sexy. And myself, feeling extra confident with my new found weight loss was excited to see the direction our relationship would take. We'd go out to dinner. We'd stay in, watch movies, and eat Ben & Jerry's from the pint with reckless abandon. So a few pounds crept back on...so what. I wouldn't let it become a habit. Romantic dinners with bottles of wine, cupcakes (my favorite) as treats while out and about browsing the street of NoHo. So my hips look a little wider...not a big deal. Yeah, that's what I kept telling myself.
Happy, I was and am still extremely. Fat, well I won't go that far, but a little more curvy than I was a few months back sure. I just wish we could change the sterotype. How about Fit and Happy? Hot and Happy? I'm not completely convinced that Buddha, was a smiling, happy little fat man. I think those were tears of frustration, from not being able to get up from his meditating position. I vow to become Fit and Happy, standing beside the Love of my Life (who is a huge inspiration) and becoming healthier and happier together. Keep you posted...

So I've been MIA....

Sorry for the delay of my writing. It's been quite a few months. It was a new year. I moved out on my own. I starting to do a lot of inner reflection. And what have I come up with? Well many things...but the most substantial of all is... I really enjoy living. I enjoy my life. I'm happy with me. And that has been quite the epiphany. There's really not any reason to NOT enjoy life. It's beautiful and messy and ever changing. It makes you sit dumbfounded. It also makes you shake your head in awe at how wonderfully spectacular it is.

Just today I was walking my dog and listening to the beautiful song of all the birds. The robins, and sparrows, and mockingbirds. It's simple and sweet songs just made me smile. Something so simple as a songbirds song. Beautiful...

A New year...

It's January 1, 2009. I am writing today feeling like this is the year I will be reborn. A new year...a fresh start...a completely blank slate. This is the year for change I had always wanted when celebrating New Years'. My divorce will become final. This is something that had been on my mind for a long time until I decided to do something about it; and seemed as though I would be forever standing still while anything and everything would pass me by. You might ask me if I'm sad...and no, actually I've very much happy in my decision. It's not that I didn't want to be married or start a family. I just knew in my heart that this was not the person for me. And that took a long time to realize...I just hope that this person realizes this was the best thing for us both.
Towards the end of 2008, I found someone. Someone who I had known, someone who surprised me, and someone who I will share the things I know that I want to accomplish and grow into. This person is everything I could ask for. Understanding, and loving , and compassionate, and beautiful inside and out. This person makes me want to strive for greatness, not only for them but for me. They are my biggest support and I am their biggest fan. It's amazing to me that you can search so long for everything you want in a partner, but when you decide that it's ok to be alone; they find you. Strike that...you find each other. I'd always believed that there could be one person out there to understand you, to believe in you, to see you how you see yourself; but until you find that person, that with one look into their eyes you see all things are possible...you will not understand what I mean. I don't care if people think I'm crazy but I without question have found my equal to be able to hold hands with and walk into the sunset. And all it took was for me to realize that, was the epiphany that I didn't need to be loved for the rest of my life. And without missing a beat, love came and found me.
So it's a new year. Full of new beginings, new endings, new goals, new dreams, and new wishes. I will promise myself to embrace all things this year, the good and the bad, the known and the unknown. I cannot wait for the year to unfold and take things day by day. This truly is the first year of the rest of my life.